Lately I’ve been feeling really melancholy. You know the feeling when you’re just feeling low for apparently no fathomable reason? Yes that feeling. I have been wracking my brain with little success as to what could be making me feel this way. I mean, I’m typically a really happy person. Plus my life honestly couldn’t be better right now; everything is actually really going well which makes it even more bizarre. I just want to curl up in bed, day in day out with only me for company.
Then today, wham! Out of the blue, it hit me. I have a broken heart. I know you’re rolling your eyes and thinking, what’s so special about this? Let me explain. My heart wasn’t broken in the usual way, where a relationship between a man and a woman abruptly ends. My heart was broken by a very unlikely source. My heart was broken by a friend.
For those who may still be rolling their eyes, allow me to break it down for you – I have the kind of friendships where I go all out. I treasure my friends, few as they are and I allow myself to be vulnerable with them. In the past I have had friends who’ve come and gone and it really wasn’t a big deal. Seasons of life right? So I never really saw this one coming till it hit me like a speeding freight train and took out my heart with it. Because I never really thought that a friend could actually break my heart. Then again I have been called naive on several occasions.
Now it’s been a while since I got my heart broken so it’s no wonder that I didn’t recognize the signs immediately. Shockingly though, it was exactly like all the past instances with all the stages presenting. I went through denial (actually I’d been stuck there for a while); making excuses for the person’s behavior and now I’m at grief mixed with anger and bitterness. I expect the next stages will follow logically but I honestly can’t wait for acceptance and finally closure.
It got me thinking though, should I have protected my heart better? Should I have kept my distance and been aloof right from the start? Would I have been feeling better today if I had? Was it my fault? All these and more are the questions we usually ask ourselves when a relationship falls apart; I’ve just never been in a position where I had to ask them for a broken friendship. And just like in relationships I found myself making resolutions – you know, the “never ever again” type that are typical of waking up with a hangover and swearing to never drink again. Till the next time. At this point, I caught myself and thought, why would I want to change who I am just to be safe? Why would I need to protect myself from my friends which would probably result in me turning into an aloof, insincere snob? Why would I go against the very grain of what I believe in, that people are intrinsically good but make bad choices occasionally?
After much thought, I resolved not to allow this incident to change me. I resolved to continue being myself and genuinely immersing myself in friendships regardless of the outcome. I realized that I have more to lose if I allow myself to give into the fear of rejection. Yes it hurts and it will take time for me to heal. It will however not hold me back from living my life as I truly believe. With an overflowing abundance of love for all whom I hold dear.
For all my friends, you know yourselves. I treasure you.